Oksana Deeptan. Basic approaches to building healthy relationships in couples and managing conflicts

DOI: https://doi.org/10.62204/2336-498X-2023-4-8

PEDAGOGY AND PSYCHOLOGY

BASIC APPROACHES TO BUILDING HEALTHY

RELATIONSHIPS IN COUPLES AND MANAGING CONFLICTS

Oksana Deeptan,

Psychologist, Gestalt therapist,

National Pedagogical University named after M.P. Dragomanov, Ukraine,

od@deeptan.com.ua; ORCID: 0009-0008-1510-5063

Annotation. This article explores key aspects of maintaining healthy relationships in a couple and effectively managing conflicts from a practical standpoint of psychology. The author discusses fundamental principles of building healthy relationships, such as open communication, shared interests, emotional intimacy, collaboration, mutual support, readiness for change, and compromise. Additionally, the importance of establishing rules in relationships and defining roles, as well as the role of gratitude, mutual understanding, and empathy in relationship maintenance, are considered. The article provides practical advice on resolving conflicts effectively, as well as information on the positive impact of constructive interactions on emotional well-being and health. Furthermore, the author addresses aspects of ending relationships with dignity and respect for the partner. Lastly, the article emphasizes the importance of recognizing and highly valuing various forms of expressing love within a couple, which may include both romantic gestures and practical support and understanding.

Keywords: healthy relationships, couple, сonflict management, open communication, emotional intimacy, empathy, resolving conflicts, ending relationships.

Introduction. We all want peace now – in Ukraine, which has been exhausted by the enemy’s attacks, in society, which is split by strife, in every family and every couple. Because war – whether at the front or in the family – always destroys and devastates. Therefore, today the question of how to maintain healthy relationships in a couple is extremely relevant from the perspective of practical psychology. After all, harmonious relationships are the reliable front line that each of us desperately needs. It is something that needs to be worked on, fought for, and strengthened like powerful walls and high ramparts. Yes, relationships that can effectively withstand any external and internal threats are a real fortress.

When a man and a woman go through life together, side by side, hand in hand, it is a very strong union on all levels: physical, emotional, and social. The very first sign of its strength is the ability to communicate, speak and understand each other from half a word. Another sign is the habit of making joint decisions quickly, without much debate, performing important tasks or solving problems together. Such a couple does not blame anyone, does not blame each other, but looks in the same direction and does a common thing. Such a man and woman go together towards their goal, bringing their common dream closer step by step.

Main material. Therefore, as a practicing psychologist, I am convinced that it is very important to establish open, constructive and continuous communication in the couple’s relationship, it is the foundation of healthy relationships. This is the main psychological challenge.

Steps to a healthy relationship. From the point of view of practical psychology, the path to healthy relationships can include the following steps:

Open communication: talk to your partner regularly about your feelings, wishes, and expectations.
Shared interests: find common activities or interests that will keep you close.
Developing emotional intimacy: openness and shared feelings can strengthen your bonds.
Collaboration: It is important to learn to work together to resolve conflicts and complete tasks.
Mutual support: Be prepared to support each other in difficult situations.
Openness to change: develop together and don’t be afraid to adapt to new circumstances.
Compromise: Learn to find compromises in situations where opinions differ.

Tell me honestly, do you have rules in your family or couple? This question may surprise many people. They might think, why would you want to establish rules in a relationship based on the free choice of individuals? They only limit and regulate. But is it possible to drive love into a certain framework of rules? It turns out that this does not harm love at all. There are rules on the roads so that traffic is not chaotic. There are rules in business structures so that business is transparent, efficient, and successful. And a family is also a structural unit in a way.

It is convinced that to maintain relationships and a strong family, we need rules. After all, where they exist, there is respect – for the partner, his or her personal space, his or her principles, views and desires. The rules developed by both, by mutual agreement, help to maintain this respect, values, and understand the point of view of a loved one.

In her book “I Want This to Work,” Elizabeth Earnshaw, a well-known American psychotherapist and member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), talks about the importance of respecting your partner and not forgetting to respect yourself. She stated: “For me, love in the modern sense is a respectful attitude of each partner to the other. You cannot say that you love someone if you do not value yourself in such a couple, and you should not call a relationship in which you do not value your partner love. Nowadays, people want feelings and emotions to play a very important role in a couple’s life, and for each partner to find both support and the opportunity for personal growth in such relationships.”

If there are no rules and no respect, there is a crisis in the relationship, and the family has no chance of survival. Also, when there are rules and partners do not break them, it is an important sign that you can trust your loved one because they will never betray you or your relationship. Trust is another brick in the foundation of a family.

Family rules. What are some effective rules? Where to start creating this kind of family charter? I suggest starting with the simplest thing. For example, he or she can’t live a minute without modern gadgets, where you can see and hear so many interesting and funny things. People get stuck, diving headlong into the bright worlds of social media. It’s especially unfortunate when a couple wastes valuable time that could be spent communicating with each other, exchanging energy and emotions. For example, at breakfast or dinner and when a woman or a man is on the phone, the other partner feels unnecessary, unimportant, secondary, because the smartphone comes first. In other words, I’m sitting across from you, but I’m less interesting than a video on tik-tok. Hey, I’m here, I need your attention, your warmth!

Therefore, rule No. 1 is to put down the gadgets and talk. After all, personal communication is a real gift to each other. This is what our partner needs and what we can give, generously share, and receive the same from our loved one. Only in communication can you get that important verbal and non-verbal feedback that either “says” that everything is “OK” with the relationship, or, on the contrary, signals that there is a crisis in the relationship or is just about to happen.

It happens that at a certain stage, a couple has nothing to talk about, no common theme. He’s into soccer, paintball, or fishing, which doesn’t interest her much. And she has fashion, handcrafts, and home life hacks that he doesn’t like at all. So, what can you do to avoid breaking the thin thread of communication, and thus intimacy? I suggest watching a movie together once a week or a month, reading the same book in turn, going to the theatre, and then discussing it all. And you will see how different your views and your perception are, because a man sees one thing and a woman sees another. And it’s incredibly interesting to see something from the other side thanks to your partner. So, I sincerely advise couples: find a common language, look for a uniting theme, an activity.

Communication in partnership can be built using modern psychological practices, some of which resemble games with specific tasks. Psychological practice “rose”. Let’s imagine this beautiful flower in all its details: here is a beautiful stem with leaves, but they are covered with unpleasant thorns, and here is a beautiful delicate bud. We start with the good things and tell each other about the positive things that happened during the day, week, or month. The second step is to share something bad, painful, something that hurt, wounded, offended, or outraged. And finally, we reach the “rosebud” and tell our partner about our plans for the next period, for the future. I invite my loved one to imagine the “pictures” that I draw and consider how my partner sees the future life of the couple. So, there are so many topics and reasons for joint conversations. There are also many good opportunities to express yourself and allow your partner to express themselves. And then you will literally bloom in the eyes of your loved one like a rose! And mutual communication will become another powerful source of pleasure and mental enrichment.

Another easy and very pleasant rule is to thank each other for the smallest things and at the slightest opportunity, to give small compliments, and to men as well. Even if the implementation of something is set in your family rules, no one has cancelled sincere and warm words of appreciation and encouragement. Numerous international studies by foreign scientists have proven that such communication directly stimulates the production of such a socially important hormone of trust and affection as oxytocin. This neuropeptide causes a sense of pleasure and significantly increases the feeling of calmness next to a partner, and it reduces anxiety. Scientists say that this neurohormone activates the part of the brain that is responsible for communication, encourages us to strengthen relationships, be closer, empathize, help and support. In some American companies, there is even an experimental practice of inhaling oxytocin to make employees feel cared for and empathized with.

Peace in relationships and our health. And now for the most interesting part: our pituitary gland synthesizes oxytocin as part of the body’s response to stress. Yes, everyone knows that in response to stress, adrenaline is produced, which provokes a rapid heartbeat. So when oxytocin is activated during stress, we start looking for support. This pushes us to share the emotions we are experiencing with someone, encourages us not to keep them inside. That is why in difficult times we try to be with a close family member.

Oxytocin is also responsible for protecting the cardiovascular system from the effects of stress: it allows blood vessels to relax. Scientists have shown that the heart has special receptors sensitive to this neurohormone, which helps to restore heart cells.

Thus, we can observe a sequence: hugs, gratitude, communication stimulate the production of oxytocin, and then it helps to strengthen the relationship in a couple and heals the spouses mentally and physically. In support of this, I want to give a recent example: in November, the British Daily Mail published a study by scientists from the University of Colorado, where they analysed data from 6,800 American adults aged 45 and older. They found that married men are twice as likely to die of heart failure within five years of diagnosis.

Oxytocin is also called the maternal hormone. In general, the birth of a child is a very important stage in the formation and development of a family. But it is also a test of the family and the relationship of young parents. Therefore, a few more rules may apply to many aspects of child-rearing.

Moreover, I recommend writing down these rules even before the baby is born. Distribute responsibilities among yourselves in advance: who will do what, how to help, and what to be responsible for. This will be especially necessary in the first three months, when mom and dad will have a lot of work to do. When the child grows up, goes to kindergarten and then to school, it is very important that parents clearly distribute their roles and responsibilities for the child. For example, mom checks homework, and dad oversees sports sections, thinking of different options for outdoor activities. It is important that the young family member knows these areas of responsibility and, for example, does not ask dad to help with math and mom to organize a picnic in nature. There are different situations in the family, so it is very important, for instance, to develop a rule of safe tone.

Domestic relations in the family. Domestic relationships in the family play a crucial role in creating a healthy and cohesive environment for all family members. Balanced family relationships are an important factor in creating a positive atmosphere conducive to the growth, development, and support of all family members. From the perspective of practical psychology, they cover a wide range of aspects:

Communication: open and effective communication between family members helps to reach an understanding, express their thoughts and feelings.
Support: it is very important to feel that you can always get assistance within the family, regardless of life circumstances.
Mutual trust: its development helps to strengthen the basic sense of security and stability in the family.
The importance of understanding personal spaces: support for the individual needs of the partner and awareness of personal boundaries.
Shared values: The importance of similar life values and beliefs to ensure harmony and cohesion.
Sharing responsibilities: Sharing responsibility for various household and family tasks promotes balance and mutual understanding.
Respect: Mutual respect in the family can help create a harmonious atmosphere and always supports healthy relationships.
Time spent together in leisure or family activities: It helps to strengthen bonds, develop common interests and create shared memories.
Openness and readiness for change: the ability to adapt to transforming relationships, courage and determination in difficult life circumstances and difficult family situations.
Conflict resolution: the ability to resolve disagreements and communication bottlenecks in a constructive way that helps to maintain harmony in the family.

A relationship in a couple is like a business – it needs to be developed and worked on. They are not static, but are constantly changing, transforming, moving to a new stage. Therefore, by talking, move your relationship forward. I advise couples to do three things: do not devalue your partner in any way, take an active but very considerate and unobtrusive interest in your partner’s life, and always support your spouse. And when this happens, a man with such a woman will flourish and become successful. And if you forget about it, the man will be a failure and stagnate.

Love = passion + interest

Love, and therefore relationships, is based on two basic things: passion and a sense of interest. If a couple has these two aspects, then a woman will be delighted to accept every initiative of her beloved: “What a great project you’ve come up with, well done. I believe in you; I will support you.” And when that’s not enough, the other woman will ask: “Why do you need it?” And this will clip a man’s wings. Doing things together, taking risks together, being stressed together, being happy together – this is the important daily work on healthy relationships, on strengthening relationships in the family.

In her bestselling book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, the famous American Mira Kirshenbaum, a world-renowned family therapist, co-founder and clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute, and author of a dozen books on relationships, marriage, and family, talks about the importance of constant work on relationships. She writes: “Love’s highest purpose is to serve us well, not to control us. Love is an important part of life, but we are not its slaves… It is time to tell the whole truth about love. It is not blind or stupid. It can see and learn. If you allow your love to see the truth of your relationship, if you allow it to take care of you, it will definitely respond.”

How to overcome resentment? If there is silence in the family, literally and figuratively, if communication is too short and uninteresting, the “rose of relationships” withers, and resentment accumulates inside. They lead to the formation of an internal conflict – a hidden aggression that will come out in the form of a conflict in a couple. We begin to unconsciously use punishment for our partner: we either refuse intimacy or withhold money. And all this horror happens because there is no communication in the couple, and therefore no trust and respect.

Conflict and how to get out of it? How do you talk about offenses in a couple’s relationship? Tactfully, with a sense of dignity and respect for your partner, voicing only your views, but in no case in the form of claims, labelling, and other things that kill relationships. Always say: “I am upset with this phrase of yours, with the fact that you did not do this, that you did not fulfil this promise”. It is wrong to say: your action offended me. When we say something to our partner, it is very important to start with the word “I”: I am sad, I am worried, I am angry. And in no case should we use you: you offended me, your action offended me. There is no need to shift responsibility, no need to “move the needle.” The essence seems to be the same, but the message is completely different.

If we talk about external conflicts between partners, they are, according to practicing psychologists, an integral part of any relationship. Building communication in a couple cannot avoid all conflicts but understanding and supporting each other can reduce their impact and help maintain stable relationships.

Some important aspects of research on relationship conflict include:

Different types of conflicts: over assets, role conflicts (“I am the mother”, etc.), and conflicts caused by different norms and values.
Perception of conflicts: some relationships may intensify conflicts, while the microclimate in another family may help to resolve them.
Conflict resolution: Psychological research examines effective conflict resolution methods, such as compromise or cooperation, or avoidance.
Impact of conflicts: conflicts can have both positive and negative effects on relationships. Some conflicts can contribute to problem solving and relationship development.
Factors that influence conflicts: Communication, role structure, personality traits, and cultural differences can influence the emergence and development of conflicts.

The negative impact of conflict is that it can cause stress. Conflicts can trigger negative emotions such as hurt, irritation, anger, sadness, or even feelings of helplessness. Conflict can have a significant impact on your mood and well-being, leading to negative feelings and physical or psychosomatic reactions. A conflict situation can cause stress, which affects the physiological state of the body and can lead to high blood pressure, rapid heart rate, etc. Conflict can affect the quality of your sleep by disrupting your ability to rest and relax. Negative emotions associated with conflict can lead to a general deterioration in health, fatigue, and malaise. Conflicts can affect the psycho-emotional state, leading to anxiety, depression and other psychological problems.

It is important to learn how to effectively resolve conflicts, seek compromise, and strive for mutual understanding to reduce the negative impact of conflicts on your emotional state and health. In general, psychological research on relationship conflicts helps to better understand how they arise, how they can be resolved, and how to maintain a positive balance and equilibrium between partners, which is the basis of a healthy relationship in a couple.

Often, conflicts and other problems make it impossible to maintain a relationship in a couple, and partners see no point in doing so. So how do you get out of a relationship without hurting yourself or your partner?

Leaving the relationship. Leaving a relationship is a sensitive process, and it is very important to consider the feelings and emotions of both parties. Here are a few steps that can help you leave a relationship with dignity and respect:

Be honest: An open and honest conversation with your partner is essential. Discuss your feelings and the reasons why you think a breakup is necessary.
Be respectful: It is important to maintain respect for your partner during this conversation. Avoid accusations, expressions of anger or irritation.
Carefully choose your words: choose the right words and expressions that will help you convey your feelings without causing unnecessary pain.
Listen: Give your partner the opportunity to speak and share their thoughts and feelings.
Set boundaries: If possible, discuss what will happen after the breakup, such as how you will share things or communicate in the future.
Maintain privacy: It’s important to keep things confidential and not discuss personal details of your breakup with other people.
Give time: If your partner needs time to think and reflect, make sure you give them that opportunity.
Seek support: If the breakup is very difficult or you are experiencing strong emotions, consider seeing a counsellor or asking for support from friends or family.

It’s important to approach this process with sensitivity and empathy, contributing to a healthy end to the relationship. A healthy, fulfilling relationship is not only about following the rules and sharing responsibilities as a couple, not only about overcoming problems together and resolving conflicts constructively, but also about romance. However, each of us has our own “love language,” not necessarily with romantic implications. Therefore, when you lack some surprises, flowers, serenades under the balcony, take a closer look, watch your partner: how does he or she show his or her love? Maybe he does it in a different way, for example, by taking care of your moral or financial security? Or maybe he does everything he can to provide you with maximum comfort in your life? Respect his expressions of love, do not devalue his steps toward you. Also, don’t wait months or years for a romantic date. After all, you most likely saw at the beginning of the relationship that your path together would not be paved with rose petals. Ask yourself the question: Do I love my partner for what I expect from him or just for being in my life? Give yourself an honest answer to these questions. And once you have it, appreciate your partner even more here and now, appreciate and kiss them!

Main conclusions of the article. Maintaining healthy relationships in a couple and effectively managing conflicts involve several key principles, such as open communication, shared interests, emotional intimacy, collaboration, mutual support, readiness for change, and compromise.

Establishing rules in relationships, defining roles, as well as expressing gratitude, mutual understanding, and empathy are important elements of maintaining healthy relationships.

Practical advice on resolving conflicts effectively, such as acknowledging one’s own emotions, using “I-messages,” and seeking compromise, can help maintain stability and harmony in a couple. Understanding the importance of ending relationships with dignity and respect for the partner is crucial when dealing with relationship breakup. Recognizing and highly valuing various forms of expressing love within a couple contribute to maintaining emotional connection and intimacy.

Conclusions. Summarizing the main conclusions of the article emphasizes the importance of establishing and maintaining healthy relationships in a couple by considering key aspects such as communication, mutual understanding, and emotional support.

Many psychologists have devoted their work to the study of family relationships and relationships between men and women. In my practice, I rely on works:

John Gottman: Renowned American psychologist who spent many years researching relationships in couples and the development of healthy relationships. His work includes studying factors leading to relationship dissolution, as well as methods of supporting and restoring couple relationships.
Susan Johnson: Canadian psychologist and founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples. She specializes in researching emotional attachment in couples and methods for working with emotional conflicts.
Esther Perel: Belgian psychotherapist and author of the book “Mating in Captivity,” which explores questions of sexual attraction, intimacy, and relationships between partners.
Gary Chapman: Author of the book “The 5 Love Languages,” which explores different ways of expressing love and how it is perceived in couple relationships.

These psychologists and many others have made significant contributions to understanding relationships in families and couples, providing practical advice and insights for supporting healthy and happy relationships.

References:

Gottman, J. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony. 288 p.
Kirshenbaum, M. (2006). Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. New York: Plume. 304 p.
Gray, J. (2002). Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. New York: HarperCollins. 320 p.
Chapman, G. (2015). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chicago: Northfield Publishing. 208 p.
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. New York: Little, Brown and Company. 320 p.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2000). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony. 288 p.